Remember that lazy Sunday afternoon in September... you were flipping through a fashion magazine and casually mentioned how much you'd love one of those gorgeous angora sweaters for Christmas? Well, when we responded "uh-huh", we weren't actually filing that piece of information in our mental rolodex. In the universal vernacular of the male of the species, "Uh-huh" is our way of pretending we're listening to you while...
- we're reading the paper
- the big game's on tv
- we're trying to sleep
- other (pick one)
So when Christmas finally rolls around, it should come as no surprise that we haven't got a clue what you'd like. And asking you is out of the question, because that would mean admitting we "don't listen to a word you say."
This is why men are so susceptible to whatever suggestion advertisers decide to drop into our pointy little heads - especially at Christmas time. A guy sees an ad like this one below...
... and fails to realize the expression on this lady's face isn't one of sheer ecstasy - its one of sheer incredulity. "Oh my god, this idiot actually bought me a vacuum cleaner... for Christmas!"
You know, divorce rates in the US began to climb dramatically after the early '60s. I suspect it was all those post-WWII marriages that were suddenly becoming unglued. Whatever their number, I bet you could blame Madison Avenue for at least half of those divorces.
Because after a decade or two of patiently putting up with cast iron cooking pot Christmas gifts...
... who could blame any woman for throwing "Mr. Thoughtful" and his smarmy, self-satisfied wink out on his keister? (And he probably had to duck on the way to avoid getting beaned by that pot!)
In the interest of hopefully saving a few relationships, lets look at - and learn from - the mistakes of the past. Here's a little advice to the guys out there...
No she won't.
There are actually more than four ways to please any woman - none of them involve giving her a coffeemaker.
Oh god, do not give your wife windshield wipers for Christmas!
Seriously? A long pointy knife? All I can say is, learn to sleep with your eyes open, buddy.
And ladies, as mentioned at the top, men are simpletons. Subsequently they have simple tastes - which makes your Christmas shopping a breeze. Most guys will be more than happy if you'll just provide them with the following:
beer...
boxers...
and...
... a new razor, of course!
Why? What did you think I was going to say?
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